So I fail at the whole tv thing, and I've always known this and never cared, b/c I'm really too fidgety for most tv. I don't know why but actual plotlines can't make me sit still long enough to sit through them so if it's not HGTV or a talent-based reality show I'm probably not going to sit through an entire episode, let alone an entire season; If I do settle on a show ninety nine times out of one hundred it is a sign that it's going to be cancelled soon. Seriously. It's probably a good thing that I'm not watching anyone's favorite shows. I'm generally the same way with movies too. This is going to sound dumb but I actually get a sort of anxiety-disorder kind of feeling about it, like if someone tries to make me watch a show or movie I almost feel like something bad might happen, or I might hate it or something else will happen that will make me feel unbearably uncomfortable. It's SO FUCKING STUPID and I seriously do not know why I always feel this way or what to do to make that feeling go away. Once I actually do watch something though it's never as bad as I thought it would be but it doesn't stop me from being retardedly anxious about watching anything else, even movies that I openly express a desire to eventually see.

But now I kind of feel like I fail at life because everyone is all "GG FTW! Chuck and Blair OMGSQUEE!" and "90210 was kind of dull for X, Y, and Z reasons, but I'll try to watch it next week," and I don't get any of it. I just feel kind of left out. By self-exile, of course, but still. It kind of blows. I miss all the pop culture references until I finally break down and check the plot synopses on wiki, which defeats the purpose if I ever want to watch the show/movie later. I finally watched Rent (the movie) for the first time last night and I feel so dumb because this is based one of the most popular plays ever, and I should have at least seen a version of the play by now, but I haven't. It's almost as bad as having not seen The Color Purple until I was 24. There are just some things you're supposed to have seen by a certain age, and I usually haven't seen those certain things or didn't catch it until much, much later.

Is insomniatic a word? I would think it is. For purposes of my mood tonight this early morning, I will declare it a word.

Bama is currently kicking some Clemson Tigers ass. Keep it up boys! Now let's just hope they can do the same thing to those OTHER Tigers at the end of the season.

I was going through some old e-mails in my inbox to see what could be deleted, and you know how Google does those tailored links and advertisements based on whatever your email was about? So why was this link at the top of my box - "Suicidal Friend? - RevolutionHealth.com - Read about offering help and support when someone is suicidal." Ummm...okay. *note to self: don't talk about suicide anymore*

And...that's it from my corner for now.

My laptop died last night! I've gotten the blue screen of death a few times in the past week, and now she won't even turn on.

I know all this Turks and Caicos mess with the original Lisa Raye is out of hand, but that's no reason for her namesake to up and quit on me. She isn't even a year old!

*cries*

I have two kittens as you know, Emma and Sophie. Emma's the one I call the 'cuddle buddy.' Sophie loves to be petted but she's not one for being held too long. Emma could stay in your arms all day.

I picked her up one night, the lights were off in my room but there was still a little light shining through my window. And all I could see were her big moon eyes just staring at me, not to say "I'm hungry" or "Play with me!" or even just "Hi, how are you?" but to say "I am happy, because you're a good owner." And I was just suddenly overcome with stupid sadness, because I'm not that good an owner. I don't clean the poop pan out as much as I should. I almost never feed them in the morning because I'm usually asleep by then. I try letting the cats stay in my room but end up kicking them out because they start getting into stuff and knocking things over and just become entirely too distracting. I've bailed on flea combing them the past few days and my mom ended up doing it. I'm not completely neglectful, I could just be better, and I'm not. And I tell myself I'm going to be better, but then the improvement never takes place.

But Emma doesn't know that, she just knows me as one of the people who puts food in her tray and plays with her, as one of the ones who does bathe her sometimes for her own good, even though we both hate it. I pick her up and pet her and she stares at me appreciatively and purrs. It just makes me sad that she loves me more than I deserve, and jealous that her life is so simple that her only dilemma is being forced to take a bath sometimes. Guilty that all I have to do to earn her love is pet her and put food and water in her tray sometimes. She's oblivious to the fact that I should be doing it all the time, and yet my mom ends up doing it just as much as I do. I don't deserve the big moon eyes, but I get them anyway.

People tell me I'm so great around kids, and it seems like they're right. Children don't scream and run in the other direction when they see me coming. But when I'm around kids I feel terrified and helpless. Like at any moment a big grand piano is going to land on their feet, or they're going to crawl into the wrong corner and find rat poison and eat it, and it will be all my fault for that one second that I blinked and missed the opportunity to save them.

People think I'm so nice, or that I'm a great friend, and all I can think is, they're wrong, and then create this imaginary pressure in my head from the expectations that I'll never live up to. You think I'm reliable, and now I'll have to prove myself, and I know that somewhere down the line I will let you down no matter how hard I try.

I don't know what it would take to make myself feel deserving of the positive reception that I get from other people, or even from animals.

Ganked from sticky.

"The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed."

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Star the books whose movie you've seen
5) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them

**I love to read but I slacked off nerdy reading after high school and I went to high school in AL so I just have a feeling I'm going to come up way short on this list. I copied and pasted without even looking at it. So let's just jump right on in. Warning: lots of asides.

( The list )

From a room posting on Craigslist:

This is a very safe part of Bed Stuy that is becoming more gentrified by the minute, so there should be no worries about mortality.

Think you found a cute way to say "No dark people," eh?

We're not all dumb as a box of rocks, okay? Some of us actually KNOW what gentrification means and we are NOT fucking amused. GTFO with that bull.

This is something I meant to post a while ago, but.

I was going...somewhere. I can't remember. All I know was that it was a very quick errand, and it was round 5'ish. When I hopped out the car the top 40 station was playing pop songs of the moment, as expected. I came back one minute later and Regulate by Warren G was on. Fucking REGULATE. WTF? I've heard of flashbacks but that was just a bit much. And then they went right back to playing current pop songs, as if that's normal.

This delayed memory brought to you by way of expatiate's last post. 90's FTW?

I'm gonna have to go pick up Solange's album when it comes out. (On my birthday!)

I just read a short story called "Snow," which is based in a Chinese restaurant, and now I am suddenly struck with the fact that I want Chinese and am really not in the financial position to go get some. And now I'm suddenly sad all over. It was just about not being able to get some Chinese at first, which is no big deal because we have food, I just really, REALLY wanted some lo mein and an egg roll. but now it's about the greater implication of that, of finding myself back at that point of being so broke that I can't even go get food without worrying about what I may need that $10 or $15 for later.

*sigh*

So I am watching Showbiz Tonight on CNN, and they had a really stupid leading story on "Why David Archuleta lost American Idol," and I was going to say something about it, but I lost track of that though when the show got even more stupid by following up with Denise Richards, and the host states that Ms. Richards says she is doing a reality show to "get back her good reputation." And then proceeds to say that after talking to her he really "feels for her."

a) Wow, she's an idiot.
b) Wait a minute, she actually thought she had a good reputation? WHERE? In bed, maybe...maybe.
c) She is an idiot.
d) I really cannot get over the fact that she said that. Her level of hubris is amazing. Almost as amazing as the fact that this host is stroking her damn ego. Where's Whoopi when we need her?
e) And I can't believe people (media, this dork who hosts Showbiz Tonight) are actually playing up this Denise/Charlie Sheen battle as if we are supposed to take sides. Don't they realize everyone loses either way? I take the side of the kids. Can we start a petition for Brangelina to adopt them?
f) MAN I cannot believe she said that! Good reputation! That woman is slap foolish.

I've done this meme before, but seeing vanillabean do it reminded me of how much I liked it (I know, I know, I'm a dork) so I decided to do it again.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? So, here's how it works:

1.Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2.Put it on shuffle
3.Press play
4.For every question, type the song that's playing and the Band
5.When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...


Opening Credits:

Waking Up: The Grand Progression - Prince

First Day At School: Girlfriend - Michael Jackson

Falling In Love: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds - The Beatles

Fight Song: Mean Sleep - Van Hunt

Breaking Up: Whatcha Got 2 Lose - Blake Lewis (...what? Oh, apparently Blake is telling me to break up with someone so I can get with him, lol)

Prom: I Don't Wanna Cry - Mariah Carey (lol, must be one messed up prom night)

Life: Trop Jeune a Dix Sept Ans - Celine Dion (a song in a foreign language I can't speak? I don't even know what it's supposed to be about...oh. That IS my life.)

Holiday: One Sweet Love - Sara Bareilles

Mental Breakdown: Now You Tell Me - Jordin Sparks

Driving: Jane Doe - Alicia Keys

Flashback: Alphabet St (This Is Not Music, This Is a Trip) - Prince (yay, double Prince!)

Getting Back Together: Movin' On - Brandy

Wedding: Vision of Love - Mariah Carey (clearly I don't need to be marrying this guy!)

Birth of Child: Just a Little Bit - Christina Milian (okay, I know it's supposed to be random and all, but this makes NO SENSE AT ALL)

Final Battle: Move On - George Michael

Death Scene: Me and Mr. Jones - Amy Winehouse (er?)

Funeral Song: Ave Maria (Bach/Gounod arrangement) - Cecilia Bartoli (wow, that was an eerily perfect fit)

End Credits: Don't Say Goodbye Girl - Tevin Campbell (aw dang, that's kind of sad)


See, this is why I like the randomness - I get a kick out of it when the songs actually fit the "theme." Most of the songs this time actually made sense. But I am doubly amused when the song is the exact opposite of the theme (like the wedding song).

I was surprised no stupid or WTF-type songs songs came up, like UGK's "Let Me See It" or Dave Chappelle's "Pee On You." Goodness knows I have more than my share fair of the silliness on my computer.

So allow me to go into more detail about how my current temp agency showed their ass. I've come to the conclusion that all agencies are at least partially trifling, it is just a matter of whether or not you're unfortunate enough to get caught up in it, or if you are lucky enough to evade it.

Anyway, Friday: because of the screw-up with the bank I needed a short term loan to carry me over to the next payday. I went to the temp agency during my lunch break to see if they could give me a verification of employment then or if they would have to fax it to the cash advance office. My regular recruiter was out of the office, but the two people there inform me that they'll have to fax it because different companies want different information, so they don't have a 'blanket' form that they use. Then the guy asks if I've applied to [place where I was working] yet or if they've asked me if I want the job. I say nay to both and he says that if I want it I should totally apply for it and don't let them hold me back. I'm like, okay, cool. I mention my only concern is the vacation I have planned next month and he says tat if I just bring it up early it probably won't be a problem at all, [former supervisor] will likely be very willing to work around it, etc. etc. Again, cool. I decide to bring it up right before I leave.

So I go get the loan and go back to work. As you saw in the previous post, the supervisor is the one who ended up telling me the position was over, and it took me having to figure it out to even get that. I was trying to save face so I just sort of said in an offhand way, "Oh, today is my last day? I thought I'd be working next week too," and the supe says, "No, they were supposed to call you." Yeah, well, they didn't. I was IN THE OFFICE just a few hours ago and they didn't tell me, apparently they didn't even KNOW.

So this morning, a guy calls at 7:18 in the morning to tell me the position ended and they were trying to catch me before I went to work.

Me: "I know. They told me Friday. Before I left."
Him: *the 'Oh, shit, we fucked up, didn't we' pause* "Oh."
*beat*
Him: "Would you like me to put you on the available list?"
Me: "Yes, yes I would."

Seriously? Come the fuck on. I wonder if it was the same guy that was in the office Friday; it was 7:18 in the morning so I'm surprised that I was even coherent at that point, let alone remember the conversation.

And to top off the stupid, if I had been getting ready for work I wouldn't have been there to get the phone call. I stay an hour out of town and would have been on the road by 7. Way to go, buddy! You not only waited until the last minute to inform me but you didn't even get the timing on that right!

*Sigh*

I will rant about other things tomorrow.

To say welcome to my newest lj friend anglichanka!


I have a current pattern of blogging once a month if that and when I do make a post there is a 99% chance that I am bitching about something. Welcome to the big den of love, heh.

So remember some time last year when I had like 20 NSF fees because the bank wanted to play cute and rearrange the order that all my checks and debit card purchases came in?

Well, they've fucking done it again. SIX NSF Fees. SIX. (ETA: Okay, turns out that I don't know how to divide and it was "only" four. But still.) I have a feeling that even if I could figure out where exactly it all went wrong - I've stared at my account online for the longest and can't figure it out - that I wouldn't have a leg to stand on, as far as arguing. There isn't anything there that isn't supposed to be there, and there was that one check that came in a day earlier than I expected it to. But that was ONE check. I want to understand how I managed to go from having a little cushion to spare until the next payday went to having all but $12 of my paycheck eaten up by covering my debts.

Oh, and my job ended Friday. Yeah, thanks for telling me, temp agency! Now to be fair, the company for which I was working did just hire three new people Tuesday so it was pretty clear that I was just filling a transitional role and was expendable. I figured that much. But the plant manager saying I could use him for a recommendation any time is small comfort for the fact that my budget for that trip I'm trying to make in June just got fucked because my recruiter didn't give me ANY kind of advance warning to state my availability for the next few weeks or to even sign up at other temp agencies and state my availability there. My supervisor had to tell me. At 4:30 in the afternoon. As I was walking out of the door to go home. So I had to spend the entire hour drive home processing that shit in my head and trying to remind myself this isn't a firing, it is just a position ending, don't be angry, these things happen - stop feeling like you've failed, it was on good terms this time, I'm only upset about the bad timing, please calm down, is that sadness I feel, numb, numb, bring the numb, okay, are we numb now, can I no longer feel anything but apathy now, okay then, we are all good.

I'm all too aware this is a constant pitfall of temping, but...*sigh.* I am just tired of everything happening at the SAME time. I am tired of the fact that every time I actually plan a long term budget and start to stick to it, 15 different things happen which not only screw the budget but leave me in an even deeper whole than the one in which I originally was. I am tired of my mom constantly waiting until shit is about to be cut off to hold her hand out, and I am tired of feeling like trying is simply futile. When I don't try I can eke by, but nothing gets saved. When I do try, I get fucked out of what little I had. I'm tired of alternately eking by and getting fucked, and only seeing ways out on roads that I currently have no access to. Is it any wonder I'd rather just sleep life away most of the time?

So let me tell you guys about this trip I had planned. I haven't blogged in forever so I don't think I'd mentioned it. (Hell, I can't even remember if I had mentioned I had a job. But yeah, in case you couldn't tell, I had a job as a receptionist, since April.)

Anyway, idea was as follows: I had a totally insane moment and decided that I just HAD to see Alicia Keys in concert at Madison Square Garden. So I waited for them to go on sale and scoped out two tickets. The second ticket was supposed to be my belated b'day present to stickykeys633. So the concert is 6/18, on a Wednesday, and we decided we'd make a week of it. We were actually going to spend the week in DC and then ride up to NYC on the day of the concert. And I think there was a tentative plan to hang out at a beach house that weekend with about 8 or 10 other people that her cousin knows, but that hasn't been confirmed yet. Regardless, it promised to be a fun vacay. I was debating whether I wanted to make it a vacation or make it coincide with My Big Move, The Sequel (long story, was considering moving back to DC, even though I wasn't happy there the first time around, but it beats AL and I'm at least familiar with the area). I'd started leaning towards making it a vacation and then coming back and working for a few more months to save enough money to *really* move and not be scraping by the skin of my teeth.

Well, that trip is fucked now. The original budget had all my credit card bills completely paid off by the end of the month and money left over to enjoy a trip. Not in the cards now. Once my last two paychecks come in I won't have enough money for the hotel, food, entertainment, AND a round trip ticket. If I make it a one way ticket I won't have enough money for renting a room for a month AND having food, and certainly not enough money for entertainment and hanging out. And saying I don't 'have enough money' is without taking into account that I have the credit card bills and a phone bill that all need to be paid before I end up with more late fees. If I sell the AKeys tickets I *might* be able to swing a move but it's really pushing it and this is assuming I am able to sell the tickets right away (or at all, even), and I have to find work right away and then it's not a vacation anymore. Oh, and I won't be going to see AKeys in concert.

I'm most frustrated because this affects another person. Sticky has already reserved an amazing deal on the room in DC and was looking for a room in NY and while she seems to not be nearly as susceptible to being perpetually screwed by fate as I am, I hate the fact that what seems to be the curse of my entire life will affect her plans in any way. I think she was going to go to DC for a week as it was, but that isn't the point. The point is that it was my idea in the first place that we go to the AKeys concert and all these plans were made because of my crazy, impulsive idea, and now I am not even going to be able to hold up my end of the bargain. I'm tired of being the girl who always "means well" but can never amount to anything more than a letdown.

Oh yeah, and I haven't emailed or called Sticky yet. I've been spending all of yesterday trying to figure out what can possibly be done to work around it. So to boot, I'm being an ass for not telling her about it before ranting to the entire world about it, theoretically speaking.

If I stop beating myself up about being a letdown I will only remember how much I flove Alicia Keys, and how much I was even looking forward to hearing Jordin, and how pleasantly surprised I was to find out that Ne-Yo is going to be there too, and now? I pretty much have to sell the tickets no matter what way I try to look at it. Life won't end...every time I hear about a concert I wish I could go to I remind myself that I got to see Prince, and that helps. But still, I don't want to be 75 years old mumbling, "I got to see Prince in 2004" as my consolation for not being able to do anything else.

Maybe, maybe I will find a job quickly, something short term that will carry me over to June 17, and I'll make just enough money to pull it off. But honestly I cannot count on luck to come through for me, because if it doesn't I won't have time to sell the tickets to someone and then overnight them to whoever buys them.

And I want some ice cream and we don't have any! < /too lazy to go to store >

If you hold up a grape Powerade to the light, it actually looks blue instead of purple. Hmmm.

Fantasia - "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life"



Someone at twop made a reference to this performance, so I looked it up. Now that I have watched it, I have a vague memory of seeing this...maybe? I don't know. I love this song, so I can't believe that I didn't remember that she sang it. I also know how much sticky loves this song so I'm sort of surprised she never made reference to it either.

Now, my friends and I often did not watch the show live in season 3 - we had classes and work and group meetings and whatnot, so often we taped AI and the WB/UPN's 'black power hour' (heh) and watched them together later that night. I hated half those shows but I didn't bother telling my friends that. *shrug* Anyway, I'm guessing that this may be part of why I overlooked it. Seeing the show after the fact does not have quite the same effect, in my experience.

Also, Fantasia had so many praised or otherwise memorable performances that I guess this was overlooked simply because it's more lowkey (relatively speaking) than Summertime or even Always On My Mind, both of which are on her first album. I don't even know what night this is. This wasn't the same night that she sang Queen as her Big Band song, is it? B/c if so it's no wonder I don't remember, I was probably still trying to parse the fact that Crazy Little Thing Called Love was a big band song. I don't care WHO did a remake, Queen ain't big band!

Okay, once again I suck at telling people happy birthdy ON their actual birthday. It always comes one or two days after the fact.

vanillabean's birthday was Thursday. I know nothing about soccer and don't want to insult her intelligence by posting a picture of David Beckham as if he's the only soccer player that ever existed. So I will just say happy belated b'day, and I hope that it was a good one. Does soccer have its own version of March madness? That was a random thought. Never mind that. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Dearest Rihanna,

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got through listening to that...that...3-minute, 48-second interlude of aural space that you call a song. It was like listening to air. No, not 'wind in your hair on a beautiful spring day' air, but 'the faint last gasp of an old furnace as the heat slowly goes off' air. If that makes no sense to you then allow me to borrow one of my favorite Simon Cowell-isms, it was like musical wallpaper. Seriously, it's that bland.

You're not that great of a singer, even you know that. BUT even you have the right to punch Ne-Yo in the nuts for this. After Hate That I Love You I'm really surprised and disappointed that he actually passed this mess off on you like you haven't earned better - if anything you NEED strong lyrics (just keeping it real, something has to carry the song and it damn sure ain't gonna be your voice). That was cold Rihanna. Don't be letting writers brush you off with their leftovers like that! Are you really going to try to put out a re-release with THIS?

I know, Rihanna, I know. Besides Umbrella transcending from the 'it' song of the moment into the anthem of 2007, GGGB was actually an amazing pop album. I'm really proud of you for releasing an album whose quality went deeper than its first two singles. It truly is a shame that on your best effort yet you are just now pushing platinum and if only people could realize how good the whole album is...but whatever.

Let. It. Go.

You're on what, single 27 now? If people aren't going to cop it by now, you know...just cut your losses and go record a new album that is just as good or even better, and maybe at least try to make an effort at longevity, instead of trying to keep pushing what is essentially a done deal. You really should have closed out with "Question Existing" so all your stans could dedicate it to all the ~hataz~ and those crazy BeyBey stans, and fall asleep with smiles on their faces at night knowing that you really ARE making your haters your motivators, or whatever motto that was in that article that Bossip put up some time ago. They appreciate those little things, Rihanna.

Meanwhile, Madonna and Leona Lewis are both laughing at you b/c their songs with the same title are a thousand - nay, a trillion multiplied by infiinity - times better than yours. You honestly would have been better off doing a cover of Madonna's song (that could work, actually - I could see that and all the subsequent remixes selling) rather than releasing you own anemic mess. And let Leona release her Take a Bow as a single, it would kill yours with the opening synth-violin chords, not to even mention the beauty of the lyrics, the spectacular phrasing in the verses and that awesomely belted hook, all the way down to the high note at the end. When I first saw this I actually had a mini-giggle fit b/c I knew it couldn't be the same song, but I kept trying to imagine you belting it out and I just cracked up.

I sincerely hope that you and your people would renege on the idea of this re-release, b/c if this new single is any indication you're taking the one saving grace of GGGB - that it was at least GOOD - and pissing on that too.

Sincerely,

TGIC

P.S. If it is any consolation I don't think your forehead is that...well okay, I DO think it is kind of big but it isn't bigger than Tyra's (I don't think), or this friend of mine who my other friends seriously used to clown back in high school. So, ummm, you don't have a 5-head. More like a 4.5-head. That probably didn't help. Look, you have to take your comfort where you can get it.

I was on youtube listening to some different versions of Ave Maria and stumbled upon this video by Sarah Brightman.



There is already enough sacrilege going on in this video to have all of us sent to hell so I will refrain from cursing except for a certain well-deserved tag. But know that it is on the tip of my tongue.

What in the world were she and the video director THINKING? I can hear the argument from the director, especially. "It is an innocent kind of naked...through this video we are expressing our appreciation for the beauty of Mary, unfiltered unadulterated." Ummm, yeah, whatever. There is appreciating the unfiltered and pure beauty of woman, and then there is slathering selected parts of yourself in glittery gold body paint and simulating a slow motion porn. Guess which category Mary DIDN'T fall in?

I mean, it's a shame that Orgasms for Jesus never caught on as a religious movement, but I don't think that means Sarah should pick it up and try to revive it.

I suck and haven't accomplished anything. The only thing I do is sleep and eat and goof of on the computer all day. You would think that with all that time on the computer I could at least update my lj more often, but no, that require actually accomplishing something even mildly useful, not to mention the ten ounces of energy it takes to talk about bullshit. Goodness knows we can't be having that. There is small consolation in that I have nothing important to talk about anyway.

Don't mind me, it's just a pity party. I'm sure I'll be over it in time to start my next nap.